There are these things that you just need to write out for yourself. those intended for an audience but never meant to be seen. But when you open up in the accidental mistake you call a home, you loose. To everyone. Not just to yourself, you can’t ever leave the place that you cried in all alone. With everyone watching but pretending not to see a thing.

Why do we give up the things we crave for the things that we love? Is it a sacrifice that justifies our unhappy needs? Or is it  a cry for a different achievement?

My Wedding

I’m hoping it’ll be in some sort of outside naturey feely type setting. Maybe a farm looking thing. I want my fiance to ride up in a red tractor (or white pony, no but probably tractor). She’s amazing. I think if I requested it from her she would probably do it. I can’t think straight. So many things have happened. As I had feared, a part of my died yesterday. I imagined it to be a little more gruesome however. I thought I would die in a horrific car accident. I’m surprised I didn’t however, as I was going over 100 miles per hour on the freeway after I had drank. My fiance drank with me, we had a little talk, and now she is getting into bed as our bathroom is making weird sounds. I love her so much. I can’t wait to get into bed and just hold her throughout the night. I’ve been going to sleep at 5am because she is not with me in bed. I love her so much, what the fuck would I do without her. She guided me to a better place. A place full of happiness. A place where I can say no and feel absolutely OK. I hope that someday some people will realize that this isn’t about myself or about her, but that it’s a connection that the world has found and is finally placing into action. Because this, this is something more than love. This is something real that I can touch with my own two hands. This is the girl that I want with me for the rest of my life.

It’s the middle of the fucking night and I’m so goddamn hungry. My stomach is in a state of pain. It’s about to be five in the morning. Sleep. I need you.

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